well im kinda not too happy that this' the way its turning out.
but hey, i wont ever show up if uncalled. or unwanted.

goodbye gab. hope you have a great trip... i'll miss you.
the bitchy, witty, funny and smart part of you...

well. xinhui's house bbq was a blast.
in my opinion.
its so great getting to see everyone again (ok not everyone but we tried ya?)
and yea. just sitting arnd, talking crap.
its like a faded echo of how 415 used to be... the fun, laughter, even the cards...
and the food was really good.
Thanks xinhui!
and your house is so beautiful... hahaha. i love it.
everyone's going our separate ways now... and its sorta nostalgic?
im so gonna miss peipei. for the first few months. and shuf also.
then after dat, i'm gonnna miss xinhui sosososo much...
cos i wont be able to see her after she's gone australia...
Thanks for such a wonderful party to end off such a unbelievable year! ^^

shuuy is overwhelming me up to de neck with anime stuff!!
haha.
Gab's leaving day after tml...
im kinda... sad? no not really. not sad.
but like. sort of feeling lost.
like 4 years jsut went by so quickly.

looking back on 2004,
i think that its been an eventful year?
stressful studying for Os yes, but at the same time, its the best bonding year ive had with 15.
like, lifeskills... camp, fun, sneakign arnd etc...
then we had midyears. studied like shit, crapped and cried... hurhur.
den all vowed to work harder...... at card-playing skills.
hahaha.
man, all the good memories.
den slacked, crapped and bitched (rmber the math teacher?) haha.
yea. and well. a year just passed like that.
after prelims, lazer quest, its Os.
and after dat, marche... and the grad night that i din go for....
but all in all, its been such a great year jsut hangin out with pple!
and i think ive really gotten to know pple?
like for ella, shuuy, shuf, nehz its a get-closer kind of thing,
but at the same time, ive come to know jade more (share the POT Love!) and aud, and chryz hoonie shups and val and siqi and so many others...!
people like xinhui whose idiosyncrasies jsut drive me crazy hahahah.


sigh.
im gonna miss you, them and us.
goodbye 2004. youve been a sparkling glittery page in my book.
and i'l miss you, maybe come back to flip thru again.
goodbye.

im stuck at home.
again.
im so sorry shuuy. my barricade isnt my choice.
bigger forces out there are determined to hole me in this jail of white walls.
argh.
enjoy your Pot and pass me more! ^^
<3 to you, aud, chryz and jade if she's there. heh.

sometimes i wish i could share your enthusiasm.
im not sure abt wanting to go to PotO tml...
its not dat i dont enjoy dis kinda stuff but.
truth is, im looking forward alot more to going shuuy's house.
even if its just 2 pple sitting there staring at a 14 inch screen.
i hate exclusiveness and often that's wad i get from certain pple.
4/15 never failed in making me feel at home, or at least pple im close to dont.
and that's wad i love abt them.

its no use if its just a superficial inclusion.
if i know im just gonna be living glass arnd there then i wont bother.
you're not very good at spreading concerns, are you?
id rather people like ella come and BUG me to death and find out wads wrong to discuss about it and we smooth it out, then for others to just keep quiet.
maybe its de environment that ive been so used to.

anyhow. i cant stand my mom breathing down my back every few minutes.
it drives me crazy.
i was so pissed off when she screamed at me for reserving a table at YumCha for the day before her birthday.
(FYI, her burfdae is on 1st jan which is a PUBLIC HOL and is usually BOOKED/FILLED in every restaurant)
and she screamed at me for placing it on that day.
and i kept asking myself, why the FREAKING HELL do i bother to do this in the first place.
shit man, im so sick of that chain.
if only shuuy's house is boardable, or smthg. or SOMEBODY.

oh i love my dad. really. rushed my to de clinic today. well im fine now.
contacts broke in my eyes. shouldnt have slept with them. now he's paranoid. hurhur.

had lunch with my ex-supervisor today. Vine's restaurant has great grilled fish. :)

i remembered feeling uncomfortable about it. and now i know why i din wanna go. i know how awkward its gonna be. i know how extra id feel. i know that because im not part of it. and i know when you're not part of it, it feels weird being amongst pple who are. and i remember getting pissed off by that arrangement. i remember how he thinks nothing of just "asking/bringing" along some pple. i know to him it doesnt matter since we know at least a bit of each other. but he doesnt know. doesnt know the feeling of alienation. like you walked in on a secret meeting your frens are holding dat excludes you.

yes. alienation. and awkwardness.
i want to feel comfortable. not having to watch my back the whole time.
dats why i think... i will find an alternative.
hope you understand.

MERRY CHRISTMAS PPLE!
*muack*

Sometimes i wish there's someone i could really turn to. i mea, all these pple walking in and outta my life, they're nice to me, cards, letters, smses abt being there. Who was i kidding? Who's gonna be there when its 2am in the morning and delirium settles in where the red thin line stands between blood and sheath?
Scares me sometimes dat time and again i'd pick up such books in de dead of night, wipe away coagulated dust and reopen trapdoors to echoes of time. its like the child begger glancing into the sweet shop display window, stopping, steamed glassf rom wet breath pressed flat against the cold smoothness of it all. Staring at the bait of a red and white striped candy cane. The same enticement, temptation. Waiting for the glass to disappear.
The beckoning finger stretched out from the depths of who i am try to drag me back into the pit of past. Schizophrenic? That misfit of a bitch adn her free ways where no one cared but to have fun. Lived and relished the dark and its secrets, catcher in the rye. And i could just see myself coming from Chino and the ghettoes living the messed up life that scares pple bad.
Maybe dats why Eric's so freaked im taken to Stan. cos its so different. it touches a chord deep down, rusty, out of tune, but it still vibrates. Feeling that connection and that someone revolutionized obseession that he goes crazy for. i love Stan cos of the reality of impact of celebrity magnetism where thing scan go awry and yet there's the answer we crave for.
i dont approve of Stan's vulgarities, but his story jsut gets me so moved that things like that happen, and im helpless. and its bad that HE likes marshal mathers and that tears me apart cos what he is is so different from who he is/seems to be. The guy i look up to who keeps his faith in such a twisted industry.
it eats me cos i dunno which version is the truth if i can trust when they're so into Just lose it that day that alarmed me yet its denied. Protect me? so you rlil'sis can be rest assured? i wish i could, we could just go out like before all these complications and realy know each other. pls dont lose that bit of you i used to know this subtefuge i dislike will drive me crazy.



i try so hard to reach out to that you whom you try to hide so much with a smile and jokes thats your popularity. you love that attention and you entertain for it, for her. And no im not jealous in that way its fine platonic but i am jealous. that you would open up for her and the steel gates are six inch opaque to me. i just want to know you, pls cant you stop being so closed? The real you on that one night where a crack appeared between the gaps and yet you expertly patched it back with plastered artificiality the next day. All i wanted was to know you. the real you. is that too much to ask? when you're happy, high, mischievous, they embrace you. Who really watches your back when the layers of covers are pulled back? i tried squeezing that tiny slip of paper through the secure gaps that i'll be there but the gates are still firm, unflinching. one day you'll realise im talking about you. or maybe you'll never know after all.

both eunice and ivy says my blog layout's gone conky.
really?
it looks fine to me. :S
anyhow.
my mom is in a freaking bitchy mood.
so she's not letting me go out.
damn.
how?
damn it im so pissed off. She freaking needs counselling.

yesterday was so funky!
hahaha. i enjoyed it alot, though i tot we had alot to improve on.
was so panicky with jolyne during games and all.. hurhur.
after dat had terrible stitches and ate abt 12 yuppie sweets to get better.
between jolyne, me, wayne and tian we finished abt 1 pack i think. hurhur.
anyhow.
i tot wayne's part was good. but a pity he mumbled.
de message by the pastor was engaging!
the kevin carter pic... had discussion on dat for english lesson dis year.
hmmm. the pastor was quite hip, lol.
den... i dunno how many pple decided to accept Christ, but i do hope the Holy Spirit continue to work in them.
its been a great night and thanks to everyone, it ran smoothly.
except when we ushered wayne out some girls came running and all... hur.
din manage to share to siqi and nichola.
geok and suying talked to val. she's very closed...
pray to God to move her...

Theodore is soooo cute!!! hahaha. bribed him to let me carry him arnd. :P
den liang fa was getting cheap thrills asking Theodore qns on... hurhur.
(dezhang you need lessons on coaxing kids haha)
Dore is so cute! hhahaa. but heavy. tt i agree.
i have a back ache from his clinging on to me and from running in heels. 3 INCH heels.
hahaha.
but i love him all the same. :)

im getting overwhelmed.
by all these things arnd me, and what pple say.
i need time by myself, to be myself and honestly i loved celebrating shuuy's burfdae.
simply because they asked nothign at all of me, but to be there and share a good time.

he asked me. you enjoy doing all those stuff dont you.
enjoy your busy life, enjoy the feeling of preoccupation.
well, i tot i was, but im not so sure anymore.

and i wanna thank you.
for all you said that redirected my focus.
and how tts wad OUR focus should be.
thanks so much man, its so... it means so much to me to have someone understanding how i feel.
or even trying to empathise.
i really love you brother. thank you so much. for being there talkign to me.

Thanks to Jesus that you gave me a diff pov from wad ive been getting.
i treasure it, no matter how short it is.
and i think this just comes in to give me the extra strength i need, to push on till tml.
and i think we will make it after all.

thankew pei too althoh im very sad you're going rj cos ive jsut really GOTTEN down knowing you and it hurts so much to lose somone like dat but hey we'll hang out real often k... you brighten up my day althoh you may not know it/think so... *muack*

you want the honest truth?
im freaking sick of all the advice.
all the advice from EVERYONE is making me feel so tired.
yes, that partly explains the tired look.

i KNOW that im worrying too much abt EVERYTHING.
and that i should leave it to God...
sigh. but everything thats undone worries me.
costume, gifts, script, games...

if i were my old (cynical) self, id take a back seat and then laugh at all the things gone wrong after dat. and not give a damn.
but i realised ive lost de ability to do dat.
i cant just throw my hands up and heck care.

and i dont understand why you HAVE to be in control of everything?
i cant get why someone needs to know every detail rite down to what we're doing for tml?
cant you WAIT for tml and SEE it?
why do you HAVE to know beforehand?
its like your driving up KL and having to know exactly which exit to take, which road to turn...
cant there be ANY uncertainty in your life? any element of surprise?

i dont get it.
and im too tired of crying.

yay hc here i come!



at least for de first 3 mths...

well. prep hasnt exactly been a smooth ride.
and i dont care what pple say.
yes i try to keep peace, but there's a limit.

i wanna thanks pastor ong so so so much for listening to me.
i wanted to cry.
you can really see the diff man.

trying taking all that into your own hands and maybe come up with a better soln before saying so.
cut some slack dude try fitting these shoes.

im praying desperately for positivity.

on a lighter note (?) i broke my specs.
why isit good? cos it helped me get contacts.
yep. so im wearing them now. as i type... :)

thanks liang fa so much.
for all the advice on buying, putting in and taking out... hahaha.
me and jo's time to put in average out to be 25 min each!
i took 10 and she took 45 hahahhaa. i am amused.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4078895.stm
go check it out.

*laughs*
guys who use com too much, BEWARE. hahahahahhaha.

hmmm. real busy today.
classes (YES!) with pastor.. den deco with zili and jo and eunice..
sorry ah eunice i always joke on you... but really i love you alot...
haha.
den after dat, band prac for christmas.
im so tired hahaha.
but i think we all learned today... so dats good!
plus its great joking arnd with geok and suying and wini!
hahaha. hilarious pple... brighten up my day =)



if you wonder why im so happy despite everything that's been happening...
well, someone's gotta stay positive or we'll just break...

everyone's had a hard day... take care and God bless!!!
we'll work hard for tml! love you all....

LUO DEZHANG I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEED. THE. PPT.


questions floating (or sinking) in my head:

-how to get cd from suying
-how to convince, no brainwash __________- to do ________ for me. ;)
-how to get wayne down for prac
-how to get all de mp3s i need by tuesday (God help me biiiig time on this one)
-how to stop slacking like wad im doing now and actually do smthg useful
-how to live out my wreck of a life the coming hectic week.




so there. :)

ya'know wad?


im kind of missing school.

hmmm. after the camp, ive got some stuff to say to bros and sis...

Jolyne:
Thanks so much (x10) for being there no matter what! its been great crapping and learning with you! Esp on friday night. on every single day and night there really... You're a great sis and i love you!

Edna:
Hey... i know its not easy for you, but you've kept steady in the Lord! con't to do so k! Thanks for helping me on Friday night... and your rationality during KL trip. love ya... will pray for you this period... plsplspls take care... *hugs*

Joseph:
hey... really really thanks for being so supportive! cant tell you how much its appreciated. you know which incident im talking abt. You're a great brother and i thank God for you! con't to serve Him with zeal! and hope you like your campbell.. :D

Ivy:
hey girl thanks for your patient waiting all the time, all the trouble. feel so guilty for not taking care of you properly... haha. hope you are better! you've been such a cute roommate! haha. *hugs* thanks! <3

Ernest:
hey thanks for being such a funny person to brighten up my day! haha... you're really wacky! you must speak more in front of others!!! then they'll all know how veyr funny you are! still rmber the writing in the bathroom mirror! hahahahhaa. love ya... take care and con't to serve God!

Dezhang:
Thanks alot for teaching me the chords... a pity that i CMI la. but thanks. and ive been greatly encouraged by your responsibility *gasp all arnd* ahha. really really. you've done a great job as a grp leader, sticking with yr grp and looking out for them. you've grown alot in God... jiayou k! Kudos~ :)

Liang fa:
im impressed by you! esp on your returning for the course the next day despite... yea. i respect you for that. and its great fun playing cards with you! must teach me your strategies next time haha. and on the voice thing.. hahaha.. dun be too ego abt it lol. take care and i pray you'll cont to serve God and trust in Him!

Winnie:
Thanks for helping me out... during playing when i fumble. really thank you. and we make good bridge partners yes? hahaha. must play more with you. :P rock on! *hugs*

Ben and Chris:
haha. got to know you two better! quite funny lol. good to see you two look out for each other so much. hope you'll mix more with others in church in future! stay close to Him!

Jac:
ive known you better! you're a really nice and pretty much easy-going person! hhaaha. hope you had fun staying up and breaking your record by 3 hours. :P <3

DA HUEY!!!!:
thanks for everything! been great going arnd and shopping etc with you! your wide knowledge of the best deals is invaluable hahaha. i love you!

Tian:
so so glad you could come to the camp! Hope you had fun.. and that you're come back to be with us asap! missing you already ahhaha. take care and trust God always! <3333

yupz. guess that's all... anybody i missed out? <:P

This is bout the Family Camp!
great to have many first-timers among us: ben, chris, dezhang, fiona, wei ai, wei liang, li zi etc.
yups. i think Brother Saw was great. He really caught the attn of the youth la, which i think is good or else we may wander and be distracted.

Blow by Blow account again:

Friday (3rd)
Jolyne and Huey took my dad's car up, had fun radioing Edna. lol.
reached Batu Pahat arnd 12? waited for the rest... had lunch and opening ceremony. :)
den we (huey's grp and Elf's grp) went Summit shopping centre to look arnd...
but nothing much la.
went back for dinner and clean up... den at night, first session.
after dat, we played cards? ya, den at night i forgot wad we did.
oh ya, i was supposed to prac with Jos de songs for de next day.
and uh, CMI la. den i was so frustrated i cried and cried. felt so paiseh.
i think dat day got lotsa misunderstandings, so end up we pissed Huey off (hehe sorry) and Ed played. *sigh... useless me*
den after dat slept at 12.

Saturday
had the 2nd session, grp discussion den lunch.
den afternoon had training abt fotoshop. den games, which were fun!
played volleyball with jolyne and got sooo dirty.
den after dinner went to pasar malam, which was quite pathetic. ivy and some others din go, dunno where they went. so was walking arnd with mainly the brothers.
elf bought fried chicken butt! haha. i was amused.
den we probly slacked arnd in my room (jo, eunice, lizi, ernest) are common visitors.
watched this chi show till 1.30 am den slept haha. it was SUCH a hilarious show we were laughing all the way.

Sunday
same thing in morning as saturday.
den... afternoon had training again lor.
den had talk by pastor, abt evangelism for 19th.
we're using bridge to life.
den... we slacked and played and watched tv.
after dinner, the last session.
i played, and it was lousy... :( but thank God he saw me thru.
then at night we stayed up playing Settler's and cards..
Settler's is a cool strategy game! Ben won haha.
hahaha. pple fell away one by one cos cannot tahan, until like at 5 plus am there's only me, jo, eunice and liong left. haha. by that time liong is not making much sense liao... too tired i think haha.
yea. den it was too late to slp bby the time we ended at 6.30, so went and pack our bags den went for breakfast.
den after dat, closing ceremony, den break camp!

yay! i loved Family camp despite some hiccups. ^______^

wahahaha!
ok ive got so much to say.
but shall talk abt the Malacca mission trip first.

went there, program was exactly wad i had in mind ( ie. wasnt too pleased)
then, saw the st marg's pple. tot they were quite dao.
but after intro and briefing etc, got to know them better, not dat bad ahaha.
den me and roomie were MC for the program, Ship Ahoy. heh.
blow by blow account: (if you wish to stop here, pls do)

Sunday:
went there by bus, bags heavy and all.
helped do props and had briefing.
huey and i had to come up with a script and edit/polish so many times we ended at 11pm.
was so tired, and getting heaty.

Monday:
2 sessions of Ship Ahoy.
throat was so bad, good thing dad bought strepsils from Mahkota.
kids were really fun, and got alot closer to the st. marg girls.
jolene, sabby, tammy, esther, suzanna were funky!
haha. so were dorothy, jacinth, and ya hui and bernard i guess...
first session was good, 2nd was more chaotic, but we learn too!
went Mahkota dat night.

Tuesday:
last session of ship ahoy.
slacked arnd with the st marg girls and crapped.
came back Spore.

[ oh and all of us kena food poisoning cos of the lunch on Monday and Tuesday. same food... bleh.]

but overall it was fun!!!! and a learning experience for me, esp since im gonna be MC on the 19th.
i really learnt from it and Thanks be to God for this opportunity he sent me...